Sunday, June 21, 2015

In approximately 7 years time

I want to live in a cozy little apartment, white walls, pale blue ceiling, every item handpicked, hopefully with stories behind them. My kitchen's countertop will be made out of fine quartz in the colour 'rain cloud', with wooden stools standing next to it. The kitchen will be my second most favourite spot in my little home. Because that is where I would make great avocado juice and banana milkshakes, preferably blended with almonds. The place where I would cook an egg and throw in a slice of cheese just so I can tell my family I cooked a cheesy omelette that day. The corner of my second favourite spot will probably be stacked with tons of pizza boxes from Domino's. Because I can't cook for nuts and their pizzas are so damn good. I hope by then I am not the only inhabitant in my little home. Maybe there will be two glasses of juice or milkshakes in the morning. Two 'cheesy omelettes'. Two disposable plates for the pizzas. Two wooden stools. Who knows?

My favourite spot will definitely be by the window, so the sunlight can peer through the big glass window and dance around the walls in the day. There would be lots of fluffy black pillows on the little platform I'll be sitting or lying down on a lot. Better black than white because I will hands down, without a doubt spill or drop something that I'm consuming there. Two big bookshelves will surround that spot, facing one another on both ends, as if they're guarding the window. There will be books. Lots and lots and lots of books. Whether I'm feeling sad or lonely or angry or happy I know I'll be there.

(fingers crossed)

Monday, June 8, 2015

Lone wolf


For years, you learnt companionship and dependence, love thy goddamn neighbour, the importance of always having someone by your side. Slowly you start turning into an enemy of solitude, dreading the stillness of your sheets and the tumultuous silence of the night.

I hope you befriend yourself. I hope you'd stop being afraid of getting spotted alone in public. I hope you know that you don't need the validation of others to realize your own worth. I hope in time you marry someone because you fell in love and not for your fear of dying alone. I hope you start loving yourself. I hope you seek comfort in solitude. I hope you do the best you can.

You don't have to seek for another person to give meaning to your life. I hope you're able to come to terms with that some day.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

"friends"

I know a lot of people, but I can probably count the number of true friends I have in school with a single hand. And I'm perfectly content with that.

I remember a time in secondary school when I drafted this long blog entry about friendship, I didn't have the guts to publish it for fear that my "friends" back then would read it and discover how I truly felt about them. Our friendship was so fake and superficial the thought of us ever spending time together again is absolutely stifling.

I am still thankful for that major lesson learnt though. Because after that painful experience, I learnt how to let go of toxic people in my life and I was made aware of how to differentiate between those who are genuine and those who are on-the-surface.

I still get questions regarding friendship problems..? And I'm always offering the same old advice: If you don't see them in your life 5 years down the road and if the maintenance of your friendship makes you tired as hell and does you more harm than good, then stay away. It's really simple. Unless you're stuck in the same school as them for 4 years and you'll have no choice but to see their faces for 5 days a week... then wait it out like me, you can stop contacting them and unfollow them all on social media after graduation. Just kidding, you'll find new friends. You'll make it.

p/s: About that old blog entry I drafted, I can't find it anymore. It might be in my old laptop, but it's probably really embarrassing and I don't think I'll ever let it see the light of day hahaha. 

Sunday, May 31, 2015

My life in squares: May



Might actually start doing this every month, but don't hold your breath.

In spite of the beginning of my 3-week "holidays", my life's been revolving around projects and assignments... what's new?  I'm strangely enjoying it though. Just thankful that I have the privilege of time being on my side, I can still read books written for middle-graders and watch an entire season of The Big Bang Theory.

On another note, twenty-one pilots is coming to Singapore and I'm freaking thrilled!! Not forgetting Passion Pit!! I know I'm going to be flat broke after all these concerts but I believe in spending money on experiences instead of things... sort of.

Anyway, we're already halfway through 2015, we can do this :- )

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

This one's untitled


Sometimes, without fault or reason, relationships stagnate. It will happen when you’re 6, it will happen when you’re 60. Life works in funny ways, we will all learn to accept that.

Sidenote: I just thought that was a nice painting... haha.

Friday, April 17, 2015

that's okay

i love how we look up at the stars on arbitrary occasions and we see them even though they're probably long dead. when another star dies tonight we'll still see it twinkling in the sky and feel less alone because we would be oblivious by it's non-existence and maybe that was what happened with us - we burned out and died a long time ago i just wasn't aware of it till tonight.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

a reply to my past self


school's starting in a few days' time and i am pretty psyched (and terrified) for year 2. i miss studying and having work to do but when we get busy, man we're busy. also i am turning 18 this year!!! what am i going to do i don't know i just want to enjoy my youth while i still can.

nonetheless i remember writing a "letter to my future self" when i was 16. today i'm writing back.

Dear 17-year old Carrine, 
Firstly, I hope you had an awesome birthday celebration. How's life in your new school? Do you miss secondary school? Tell me, what do you miss about secondary school, because when you were 16, you so desperately wanted to graduate and get out of there, I figured as time went by you'd realise that maybe secondary school wasn't that bad after all. Do you like the course you're studying and do you have any regrets in picking that course? If you do, I want you to know that nothing in life is worth regretting or fearing, they're just lessons learnt. I hope that by now you would have made wonderful friends. And I also hope that you're still close to the people who've been with you since forever. It takes two hands to clap, Carrine. Know that if someone really loves you/genuinely cares for your wellbeing, they would always find and make time for you. Remember to never settle for less. Since your birthday falls on the 27th of November, that would mean that the year of 2014 would be coming to an end soon, tell me, has the year been a bad or good one for you? I'm betting on the latter. You may have faced difficult times this year but I know you'd pull through because you always do. Also, are you still freaking single?! If no, I hope you are happy with who you are with right now and if yes, it's perfectly ok, once again, never settle for less. Don't beat yourself up for being single. Save your love for the right one. You're 17, not 71, so there's absolutely no hurry at all. Have you been reading more books? Have you been a nicer person? I hope you're eating healthier. And I hope you're less insecure. Laugh more and cry less, ok? That's all I have for you. Happy Birthday. 
Love, 16-year old Carrine 

Dear 16-year old Carrine,
I had a great birthday celebration, in fact, it was probably the best one yet. Poly life has been nothing short of amazing and no, unlike most, I do not miss secondary school at all, I actually feel relieved and kinda... liberated. I love what I'm studying and I've never really felt dreadful when I get up in the morning to go to school. I've made awesome friends and I am extremely grateful for the crazy, unforgettable memories we've made together. I did grew apart from a couple of people but I know that no matter how far they wander, if they truly cared, they'd eventually gravitate back towards me. I'm so fucking glad that you understood that at age 16, that piece of advice has aided me in so many ways. Regarding my 'love life', I guess time will tell! I'm still reading a lot, still trying to be a nicer human being, still working on that healthy eating part.
2014 was a good year. I pulled through, because I always do :-)
Love,
17-year old Carrine

(i know it may seem stupid, writing letters to yourself and stuff but it can be pretty fun... and possibly therapeutic haha. till then x)