Thursday, December 17, 2015


This year I didn't really find myself questioning, "What am I doing with my life?" much. Initially I thought it was truly me nonchalantly going about the perpetual routine that is my life without so much of a second thought about the future. But looking back at all the things that I did this year... I think I am doing just fine. 

I am still doing the things that make me happy, stayed away from toxic/negative people, gave myself "me days" when I know I deserved (or needed) them and continued making great memories with the people I love. I grew up. Pretty sure my 13 year old self would be beaming with pride looking up to my 18 year old self today. And that is so important. I am looking forward to further this growth every day for the rest of my life. When I turn 21, I want my 18 year old self to feel even prouder of what I have accomplished for myself and the people around me then. 

Sure, I may not know exactly what I want to do with my life five or ten years down the road but who the hell knows these days, right? As long as you are doing something you love/feel for, something you are passionate about, something that makes you tick, something that gets you out of bed in the morning, you are already on the right track. Also as cliche as it sounds don't forget to enjoy the process while you're at it. That's something that I need to remember at times as well.

Quick list of what I plan to achieve/continue achieve in light of the new year: 

1. don't stop reading/journaling
2. spend money on experiences > materialistic items
3. be more active 
4. pick up a new hobby
5. set aside time for family every week
6. say 'yes' instead of 'no' to opportunities more often
7. continue learning about myself
8. be nicer (i keep recalling times when strangers have done little things like smiling, complimenting me, offering me a packet of tissue, letting me go under their umbrellas when it is pouring outside etc. and these moments ended up meaning so much to me
9. continue to work hard
10. stay humble

Merry christmas and happy new year babes. 

p.s for the ones who wander (and are probably not lost) - 

"Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don't even recognise that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on it way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening (...) Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realise that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015


The conversations I have with my friends in the wee hours of the night were never jolly. A simple catch up could eventually transfigure into something so raw and so meaningful I really wouldn't mind losing a hundred nights' worth of sleep over them. I'd like to think the reason why we're so unconcealed in the middle of the night is because we get to skip all the pointless chatter and pleasantries and let down whatever guards we put up around ourselves throughout the day. That is also one of the many reasons why I appreciate late-night conversations so much, we get to see and listen to the marrow of it all.

My mother was the first to tell me that sometimes, people aren't always who they seem to be. "There are people out there with masks so thick that they will eventually lose their true selves. Don't trust them. Don't trust them all. Can you see them being happy for you at your graduation, your wedding? If not, forget them." 

I was 8. It resonated with me ever since.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Inside my head

What have I been doing ever since the end of my hectic, soul-sucking semester? I started watching new TV shows. Not forgetting reading more books. Went to Korea with my friends(!!!) I had an amazing time, I also learnt a lot, might just write a whole new entry on that but for now you can check out my dayre for pictures taken when I was there - Aug 30 to Sep 4. And besides hanging out and catching up with some of my friends, that's pretty much it. Does that make me an infinitely dull person?

Wow I really did try my best to write something here (have been racking my brains for the past hour) but truth is I'm truly unmotivated to write right now. Instead of deleting this I guess I'm just going to leave it here. I will update as soon as I break out of this writing slump but for now follow my dayre for more updates on my everyday life! If you want to, that is.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Just breathe

Haven't updated in a while but in light of my previous 'keep breathing' blog post (it may come across as ambiguous to some, I know) I just wanted to share a playlist I made for times when relaxation is very much needed in hopes that it will help some people out.

I've been getting panic attacks for the past couple of months and I don't think I can pinpoint exactly what triggered them in the first place but it is probably all the pent up stress and anxiety towards stuff like assignments, interviews and whatnot. I mostly get them in the middle of the night and it is horrible because I will wake up shaking in the pitch-black night (and silence) alone. I know the last thing on a person's mind in the midst of a panic attack would be to start listening to music but after the heart rate starts to slow I figured a distraction would help when it comes to falling back asleep. Like a reminder that it's only chemicals, and to just breathe.

float away from carnimilo on 8tracks Radio.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

In approximately 7 years time

I want to live in a cozy little apartment, white walls, pale blue ceiling, every item handpicked, hopefully with stories behind them. My kitchen's countertop will be made out of fine quartz in the colour 'rain cloud', with wooden stools standing next to it. The kitchen will be my second most favourite spot in my little home. Because that is where I would make great avocado juice and banana milkshakes, preferably blended with almonds. The place where I would cook an egg and throw in a slice of cheese just so I can tell my family I cooked a cheesy omelette that day. The corner of my second favourite spot will probably be stacked with tons of pizza boxes from Domino's. Because I can't cook for nuts and their pizzas are so damn good. I hope by then I am not the only inhabitant in my little home. Maybe there will be two glasses of juice or milkshakes in the morning. Two 'cheesy omelettes'. Two disposable plates for the pizzas. Two wooden stools. Who knows?

My favourite spot will definitely be by the window, so the sunlight can peer through the big glass window and dance around the walls in the day. There would be lots of fluffy black pillows on the little platform I'll be sitting or lying down on a lot. Better black than white because I will hands down, without a doubt spill or drop something that I'm consuming there. Two big bookshelves will surround that spot, facing one another on both ends, as if they're guarding the window. There will be books. Lots and lots and lots of books. Whether I'm feeling sad or lonely or angry or happy I know I'll be there.

(fingers crossed)

Monday, June 8, 2015

Lone wolf

For years, you learnt companionship and dependence, love thy goddamn neighbour, the importance of always having someone by your side. Slowly you start turning into an enemy of solitude, dreading the stillness of your sheets and the tumultuous silence of the night.

I hope you befriend yourself. I hope you'd stop being afraid of getting spotted alone in public. I hope you know that you don't need the validation of others to realize your own worth. I hope in time you marry someone because you fell in love and not for your fear of dying alone. I hope you start loving yourself. I hope you seek comfort in solitude. I hope you do the best you can.

You don't have to seek for another person to give meaning to your life. I hope you're able to come to terms with that some day.