Friday, April 17, 2015

that's okay

i love how we look up at the stars on arbitrary occasions and we see them even though they're probably long dead. when another star dies tonight we'll still see it twinkling in the sky and feel less alone because we would be oblivious by it's non-existence and maybe that was what happened with us - we burned out and died a long time ago i just wasn't aware of it till tonight.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

a reply to my past self


school's starting in a few days' time and i am pretty psyched (and terrified) for year 2. i miss studying and having work to do but when we get busy, man we're busy. also i am turning 18 this year!!! what am i going to do i don't know i just want to enjoy my youth while i still can.

nonetheless i remember writing a "letter to my future self" when i was 16. today i'm writing back.

Dear 17-year old Carrine, 
Firstly, I hope you had an awesome birthday celebration. How's life in your new school? Do you miss secondary school? Tell me, what do you miss about secondary school, because when you were 16, you so desperately wanted to graduate and get out of there, I figured as time went by you'd realise that maybe secondary school wasn't that bad after all. Do you like the course you're studying and do you have any regrets in picking that course? If you do, I want you to know that nothing in life is worth regretting or fearing, they're just lessons learnt. I hope that by now you would have made wonderful friends. And I also hope that you're still close to the people who've been with you since forever. It takes two hands to clap, Carrine. Know that if someone really loves you/genuinely cares for your wellbeing, they would always find and make time for you. Remember to never settle for less. Since your birthday falls on the 27th of November, that would mean that the year of 2014 would be coming to an end soon, tell me, has the year been a bad or good one for you? I'm betting on the latter. You may have faced difficult times this year but I know you'd pull through because you always do. Also, are you still freaking single?! If no, I hope you are happy with who you are with right now and if yes, it's perfectly ok, once again, never settle for less. Don't beat yourself up for being single. Save your love for the right one. You're 17, not 71, so there's absolutely no hurry at all. Have you been reading more books? Have you been a nicer person? I hope you're eating healthier. And I hope you're less insecure. Laugh more and cry less, ok? That's all I have for you. Happy Birthday. 
Love, 16-year old Carrine 

Dear 16-year old Carrine,
I had a great birthday celebration, in fact, it was probably the best one yet. Poly life has been nothing short of amazing and no, unlike most, I do not miss secondary school at all, I actually feel relieved and kinda... liberated. I love what I'm studying and I've never really felt dreadful when I get up in the morning to go to school. I've made awesome friends and I am extremely grateful for the crazy, unforgettable memories we've made together. I did grew apart from a couple of people but I know that no matter how far they wander, if they truly cared, they'd eventually gravitate back towards me. I'm so fucking glad that you understood that at age 16, that piece of advice has aided me in so many ways. Regarding my 'love life', I guess time will tell! I'm still reading a lot, still trying to be a nicer human being, still working on that healthy eating part.
2014 was a good year. I pulled through, because I always do :-)
Love,
17-year old Carrine

(i know it may seem stupid, writing letters to yourself and stuff but it can be pretty fun... and possibly therapeutic haha. till then x)

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Roald Dahl:

"IF YOU HAVE GOOD THOUGHTS THEY WILL SHINE OUT OF YOUR FACE LIKE SUNBEAM AND YOU WILL ALWAYS LOOK LOVELY"

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Wondering

Today I overheard a conversation between my brother and my dad about my brother's friend who visited Philippines and never came back. Apparently the man had no reason to flee the country whatsoever so my father was theorising about how he was probably murdered because if he was kidnapped they would've gotten a call 3 months ago blah blah blah

I wonder what happened to that man. Reminds me of the MH370 incident, I feel bad for forgetting about the whole plane crash because... what the fuck? One day you get on a plane and you go missing and the people who knows you loves you cares about you are just left here, on the ground, wondering, always wondering. I thought the least I could do was to simply think about them every now and then just so they won't entirely be forgotten (?? however illogical it may sound), it's just sad. There is no closure. Losing people sucks. There are so many things, terrible things that has happened and are still happening in this world and I can't help but to feel sad.

Thanks for reading my word vomit bye

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Present

I used to write about everything. About myself. What I ate. What I did. How I'm feeling. Reason why I deactivated a platform where people could send me questions anonymously was because people were always asking me repetitive questions, where did you get this, where did you go today, where are you going tomorrow; I guess I never really addressed this issue, but I could vaguely recall two incidents where I revealed my whereabouts, one of them involving a dude who actually showed up at a place I was studying at, hiding behind a tree and stuff. Creep. I was what, 15? However, I know I get a lot of questions regarding study tips and stuff because I went from being this notorious kid who flunked every single subject (with the exception of English and Literature...) to this not-so-nerd (I was still pretty cool in my senior year ok), reading and sleeping in class by herself during recess, topping the cohort for her sciences and POA for O levels hahahah. Good times. Some people even resorted to e-mailing me and I honestly try to give good advices, well, to the best of my knowledge of course. And I feel extremely bad for not being able to help/respond to all of their queries.

Anyway, I wish all you O level kiddos the very best. (And you can always e-mail me, that is, if any of you are still reading this space) 

Saturday, April 11, 2015

it's just emotions

today, you might feel like shit, like nothing matters anymore and you just want to fucking sleep and not wake up, ever.
but tomorrow, you might actually feel relevant in this world, you might start seeings things in a better light and you would actually want to pull yourself out of bed.
it's just emotions. emotions fluctuate. and you will be fine :-)

Thursday, March 26, 2015

when you feel pain you write about it

on the first day
it was the most horrible feeling on earth. i was taken aback by how it was harder than standing behind a glass window alongside my family, watching my late grandfather turn into fine gravel. it was like being stabbed in the chest a thousand times, no,  the pain was so excruciating it was indescribable. it was as if the stars were dying and the earth crumbling to pieces but i have learnt that it was not the world, it was only me. it was like my skin ripped from my bones, my lungs aflame, a sharp butterfly knife to my gut, being put in a state of perpetual darkness that even the lights in my eyes burnt out. i remember blurry windowpanes and a pack of tissues offered by a kind stranger. i remember my head dizzy with sorrow i could go on and on and on -
but it gets better. i mean, it is getting better. after willingly immersing myself in the dark abyss, key word willingly, i stood up and found light in my eyes again. empty, but working towards being whole. strong. i have some of the most amazing people in my life and i am immensely thankful for that. i have books. i have music. i have life. it may hurt sometimes, but i think to myself, how wonderful it is to be bleeding, bruised, but furiously alive? everything will be okay. and i know for a fact that one day i'll look back at this very post and tell myself i was right. everything will be okay.