Monday, August 24, 2015

Thoughts

To the really sweet people who've been e-mailing me, saying that they hope to see more blog posts. I promise to try. This was from a journal entry I wrote a long long time ago -  

Where's the point in expressing your feelings (the sad, mopey, on-the-verge-of-tears kinda feelings) on social media, when the majority of the people who come across your posts will simply read it only because they care are curious, then comment/respond with an obligatory muscle emoji, telling you it will be okay and proceed to move on with their lives. If you ever catch me doing that though, then know that it is a cry for someone else's attention, because that's the only reason I can come up with when it comes to sharing my personal issues with the world. If I ever wanted to rant, I'd very much rather talk to someone who actually cares. Maybe it's just me, showing that you're vulnerable equates to divulging to the universe that you are weak. I don't know. All I know is that in the end it's up to yourself, other people are not the answer (even though some of them - your true friends - have the capability to make you feel better sometimes, know that they cannot heal you until you decide to pick yourself up from the ground). Mom taught me that.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Just breathe

Haven't updated in a while but in light of my previous 'keep breathing' blog post (it may come across as ambiguous to some, I know) I just wanted to share a playlist I made for times when relaxation is very much needed in hopes that it will help some people out.

I've been getting panic attacks for the past couple of months and I don't think I can pinpoint exactly what triggered them in the first place but it is probably all the pent up stress and anxiety towards stuff like assignments, interviews and whatnot. I mostly get them in the middle of the night and it is horrible because I will wake up shaking in the pitch-black night (and silence) alone. I know the last thing on a person's mind in the midst of a panic attack would be to start listening to music but after the heart rate starts to slow I figured a distraction would help when it comes to falling back asleep. Like a reminder that it's only chemicals, and to just breathe.

float away from carnimilo on 8tracks Radio.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

In approximately 7 years time

I want to live in a cozy little apartment, white walls, pale blue ceiling, every item handpicked, hopefully with stories behind them. My kitchen's countertop will be made out of fine quartz in the colour 'rain cloud', with wooden stools standing next to it. The kitchen will be my second most favourite spot in my little home. Because that is where I would make great avocado juice and banana milkshakes, preferably blended with almonds. The place where I would cook an egg and throw in a slice of cheese just so I can tell my family I cooked a cheesy omelette that day. The corner of my second favourite spot will probably be stacked with tons of pizza boxes from Domino's. Because I can't cook for nuts and their pizzas are so damn good. I hope by then I am not the only inhabitant in my little home. Maybe there will be two glasses of juice or milkshakes in the morning. Two 'cheesy omelettes'. Two disposable plates for the pizzas. Two wooden stools. Who knows?

My favourite spot will definitely be by the window, so the sunlight can peer through the big glass window and dance around the walls in the day. There would be lots of fluffy black pillows on the little platform I'll be sitting or lying down on a lot. Better black than white because I will hands down, without a doubt spill or drop something that I'm consuming there. Two big bookshelves will surround that spot, facing one another on both ends, as if they're guarding the window. There will be books. Lots and lots and lots of books. Whether I'm feeling sad or lonely or angry or happy I know I'll be there.

(fingers crossed)

Monday, June 8, 2015

Lone wolf


For years, you learnt companionship and dependence, love thy goddamn neighbour, the importance of always having someone by your side. Slowly you start turning into an enemy of solitude, dreading the stillness of your sheets and the tumultuous silence of the night.

I hope you befriend yourself. I hope you'd stop being afraid of getting spotted alone in public. I hope you know that you don't need the validation of others to realize your own worth. I hope in time you marry someone because you fell in love and not for your fear of dying alone. I hope you start loving yourself. I hope you seek comfort in solitude. I hope you do the best you can.

You don't have to seek for another person to give meaning to your life. I hope you're able to come to terms with that some day.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

"friends"

I know a lot of people, but I can probably count the number of true friends I have in school with a single hand. And I'm perfectly content with that.

I remember a time in secondary school when I drafted this long blog entry about friendship, I didn't have the guts to publish it for fear that my "friends" back then would read it and discover how I truly felt about them. Our friendship was so fake and superficial the thought of us ever spending time together again is absolutely stifling.

I am still thankful for that major lesson learnt though. Because after that painful experience, I learnt how to let go of toxic people in my life and I was made aware of how to differentiate between those who are genuine and those who are on-the-surface.

I still get questions regarding friendship problems..? And I'm always offering the same old advice: If you don't see them in your life 5 years down the road and if the maintenance of your friendship makes you tired as hell and does you more harm than good, then stay away. It's really simple. Unless you're stuck in the same school as them for 4 years and you'll have no choice but to see their faces for 5 days a week... then wait it out like me, you can stop contacting them and unfollow them all on social media after graduation. Just kidding, you'll find new friends. You'll make it.

p/s: About that old blog entry I drafted, I can't find it anymore. It might be in my old laptop, but it's probably really embarrassing and I don't think I'll ever let it see the light of day hahaha. 

Sunday, May 31, 2015

My life in squares: May



Might actually start doing this every month, but don't hold your breath.

In spite of the beginning of my 3-week "holidays", my life's been revolving around projects and assignments... what's new?  I'm strangely enjoying it though. Just thankful that I have the privilege of time being on my side, I can still read books written for middle-graders and watch an entire season of The Big Bang Theory.

On another note, twenty-one pilots is coming to Singapore and I'm freaking thrilled!! Not forgetting Passion Pit!! I know I'm going to be flat broke after all these concerts but I believe in spending money on experiences instead of things... sort of.

Anyway, we're already halfway through 2015, we can do this :- )