Saturday, August 23, 2014

happy














life's been nice. the semester has ended for me already, i am so relieved and grateful. there were wearing times but at the end of the day, i got through them (we always survive them) and i am happy. it is insane how our lives are constantly changing though, this time last year, i remember studying for my preliminary exams at my grandfather's wake. 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

runaway train


first and last written examination for year 1 will be over in two days and i am so psyched for the holidays. poly has truly been a breath of fresh air. i find myself being inherently curious about what others are thinking about their lives in poly, so when i question "poly or secondary school?" i was pretty taken aback when most of my friends said they'd rather go back to reliving o levels over and over again. i guess i was part of the minority who thought otherwise because i really enjoy what i'm studying, plus i met a whole bunch of amazing people. beautiful people. hence i never seem to ever be dreading school. // is it too early for me to say this? 

it scares me how it is going to be a new year in about four months time. i am going to be 18 next year yet i still feel trapped in a body of a child, i do not feel older i guess none of us teenagers do i think we just make better decisions as time goes by? on nights where i toss and turn and can't seem to drift off to sleep, i think about the things i am supposed to do and occasionally, the things i am expected to do. i think about becoming "legal" next year, should i feel pumped and motivated, paint my face like a warrior prepare for certain battles and shit because i am certainly ill-equipped for the responsibility of... everything?

guess we'll see. 

i know i haven't properly updated my blog in awhile but as aforementioned i do not like to think of blogging as a chore. so hey. 

Thursday, August 7, 2014

twinkle

i ought to be a pixie
instead of a fairy
pixies are hedonistic
beautiful tricksters
they dance around
from toadstools to trees
tempt and taunt
and tease
and have no queen 
fairies however
are innocent
and adorable
they flit around
and do good
and listen to their queen
how cute
but not for me
i'd rather be a pixie

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

tarnished crown

the world has shaped her posture, stiffened her shoulders and raised her defenses like castle walls. someone once told her that her heart was heavily guarded by its own personal soldiers,

do not let them in

do not let them come too close for comfort
this is a motherfucking order
but you managed to convince her to tell the troops to return home, so she let them go. she let the walls collapse and witnessed the bricks and cement crumble down to the damn ground. in spite of her now naked, vulnerable heart,  she still feels safe and guarded and homely in your arms. and you are just a boy. skin and bones, veins and nerves, hair and sweat. it’s safe to say that she’s heard it all before, but you make her shoulders less tense and her breathing steadier; she surrenders. 

Friday, July 18, 2014

we are all made of stars

did you know that on a basic quantum level, all the matter in the universe is essentially made up of stardust? the thought of turning into stardust after death sets my mind at rest. being strewn across millions of light years, seeing planets forming, witnessing the birth and collapse of stars and nebulas,  swimming in black holes, it is more appealing than a chastening hell - who deserves to continue burning and who will become angels - you will become apart of something bigger than that. how reassuring. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

a letter to my 10 year-old self

your friends, teachers and family will tell you that you are pretty. and that you should go strive to be a singer or an actress. so that was what you wanted to grow up to be. every time a person asks you about your ambition, the corners of your mouth will turn upwards as your eyes light up and you will answer them with utmost confidence, a singer or an actress. pretty. you will be thrilled to finally turn thirteen, because that would mean that hey, you will officially become a teenager. i wish i could go back in time to tell you this, but i can't. soon enough, you will see beneath the glamorisation of being a teenager and understand that it is not that intoxicating after all. this is when you will start to question if you are really going to live your dreams of becoming a singer or an actress. this is when you will stop believing in people when they tell you that you are pretty. some day an ignorant boy will come along and he is going to tell you that you are fat. just so you know, i hate that fucking word. fat. nonetheless, you will believe his goddamn words. you will only eat dinners when your parents suggest it. you will swallow the noise in your head and shrivel your own stomach, you will even say no to pizza. but i want you to know that that is okay. one day, you will learn. you will glow and get full again. you will end up chasing other dreams, but your love and passion for music will be unending. now that I am older, i see that the world and my life is not like what you've seen and read about in fairytales. someday, you will learn to accept that. so just try to love yourself as much as you want someone else to, okay?